Welcome back to the NFL Irrational Recap! Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend of football, which you probably did if you are a fan of the Dallas Cowboys like most of our audience is. If you’re a fan of the Packers like me, well then you have a serious problem
Let’s get to the games:
— Football games that make me puke but I still watched because I love football and I have nothing better to do: Bills/JETS was not fun to watch but the internet had fun with it after the #JetsDanceToAnything went viral and that was awesome but they’re still the Jets so who cares. COLTS/Texans was no fun to watch because the most exciting quarterback in the league hurt himself while running a damn agility drill. The curse of Josele strikes again. I declare Deshaun Watson awesome and that I have bro-crush on him and the very same day, he tears his laffy taffy ACL. Bengals/JAGUARS everybody is talking about the “fight” that happened but who cares about that. When are we going to talk about just what the hell is going on with the Jaguars uniforms?!?! Everybody hated those powder gold uniforms (those are fire by the way) but everybody is saying those aqua jerseys were good? GOOD?! I didn’t know most people were blind. Yikes. Anyway, the Jaguars winning has me Jaggin Off. It’s great. Bucs/SAINTS was especially not cool for me because it was like watching my fantasy football team implode, not that you care. But damn it, this game sucked. CARDINALS/49ers……….puke. Bring on Garoppolo.
— Total buttwhoopings: LIONS/Packers was not fun. So not fun because as it turns out, the Packers are atrocious without Aaron Rodgers. Josele is sad. Broncos/EAGLES was so awesome to watch. I had an ex-girlfriend who's brother told me with a straight face that Trevor Siemian was so good and he was going to be the next Tom Brady and he was going to be better than Tom Brady. I may have gotten dumped, but it feels good to know that he was watching that game and watching Brock Osweiler take over Trevor’s job and proceed to get thumped by Ginger Jesus and the Eagles. Awesome. RAMS/Giants was awful. Giants suck and Eli Manning is garbage.
— Raiders (27) Dolphins (24): I was so opposed to looking at the Dolphins’ uniforms that I rallied my family to re-watch episodes of Breaking Bad instead of watching this game.
— Falcons (17) Panthers (20): Remember the story about me not being able to get the candles lit while I was an altar server? Neither do I, that’s how forgettable the Panthers and Falcons are to me.
— Cowboys (28) Chiefs (17): Well well well, looks like Alex Smith, the Kool Aid Man with the play calling sheet, and the rest of the Chiefs have decided to return down to planet Earth. Everyone knew they weren’t going to be able to keep up that ridiculous pace but my GOD do they look just flat out awful against a mediocre Cowboys team. Can’t wait until it comes out that the judge who keeps allowing Zeke to play every week has him on his fantasy team and then the Cowboys realize that they’re useless without him as a running back.
— Redskins (17) Seachickens (14): Last recap, I mentioned that I am all but convinced that the gum chewing, conspiracy theory believing, ageless wonder Pete Carroll had to have made a deal with the devil for wins at home because there is just no way that it is humanly possible for Seattle fans to be that happy all the time and there must be some sort of dark magic and weird forces at play there. Well as it turns out, I was almost right. I was yelling at my tv obscenities that Supreme Leader Trey doesn’t want me to repeat here because I saw it happening in my head: dweeb beta male Russell Wilson was leading the stupid uniformed Seahawks down the field for what was going to be the game winning touchdown and I was going to end up being at home sitting there sad and wondering why good things can never happen to me. Then I remembered that the Washington Redskins have Beelezebub as their owner. Redskins win.
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