So I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business, watching the Winter Olympics in all their glory. I was so enthralled watching short track speedskating (my personal favorite), ski jump, snowboard cross, and curling. Yes, curling, the shuffleboard on ice is somehow an Olympic event.
We are watching the best, world class athletes from all over the globe compete in something that they’ve been training for for roughly 3 and a half years. They put their body on the line every time they go out there (except curling haha) and we cheer for the name on the front of the jersey, not the name on the back of the jersey.
After a few ice cold adult beverages, I realize something that I had never thought of before.
I am just cheering for the United States. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m wondering why they United State doesn’t have a mascot. For example, you great folk in El Paso’s Far East aka Carlsbad cheer on your mighty Cavemen and Cavegirls. Yeah, you’ll say “Go Carlsbad!” but really, you’re a CavePerson (not trying to get a lawsuit by assuming someone’s gender, I don’t need to be surrounded by anymore triggered snowflakes. I get enough of that at EPCC,) supporter through and through.
Why doesn’t the Olympic Committee give names to the countries competing? Is it because most of the other countries don’t have our superior creative ability? Are other countries just that lame to where they don’t want (looking at you, Germany)?
Well fear not, introducing the list of names that you never knew you needed in your life until right this second:
United States: Now the immediate answer would be Bald Eagles. Or maybe even Patriots. But I think we can dig into our brains a little bit deeper and come up with a name that would be both accurate and cool. United States Minutemen*. Not only does the name have Revolutionary War historical connections, but it also speaks to the United State unparalleled work ethic in our ability to get things done quickly. Work projects, eating, sex; all the most important things that need to be done in close to or under a minute………right?
Alternatively, it would be fun to guess what the other countries would think our name would be. Probably the United States Overweight Snowflakes.
- — MinutePeople just doesn’t sound as cool.
Russia: One might immediately think Tigers, for Siberia. Could also go Ivans, Babushkas, or even Dragos (shoutout Rocky IV). This is where it gets dicey. Contrary to popular opinion, I am not Russian. The main problem is that the country is so damn big that there are literally millions of things to look at as iconic. I do, however, think that the most iconic item that would accurately portray Russian culture would be to name them the Russia Bears. It lends credence to their ability withstand the cold and be ferocious all at once.
Alternatively, I’ll just go ahead and say what you all are thinking. Russia Communists.
Great Britain: I’ll be honest, the first thing I thought of was Great Britain Bad Teeth. But allow me to channel my inner Ed Hochuli and explain to you my changed mind with as many words as possible. It is impossible to accurately narrow down what exemplifies Great Britain to just one thing. They’ve been around for literally ever. I mean, ole Billy Shakespeare did his thing there and he’s been super DEAD for half of forever. But I’m going to take my best guess and name them the Great Britain Knights. Think about it. King Arthur was a pretty popular dude, they were the first ones to invent armor, and now in modern times, you have officially MADE it if you get knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. There’s nothing that fits more perfectly than that.
*Ed Hochuli voice while flexing* First down.
Alternatively, the world would think immediately of bad teeth and bad food so take your pick.
Germany: Being the fatty that I am, I immediately thought of Bratwursts, but they probably wouldn’t like to be called Germany Bratwursts. This is another country that is riddled with history, some of it very bad (i.e. Hitler). Although Germany would probably like to be called Aryans, that’s got a negative connotation in today’s day and age. Which leaves me with one option and one option only. Germany Destroyers. Yeah aside from their forefathers starting 2 World Wars (not great, Bob), people often forget that they are very good at a lot of things, one of those things being sports. They consistently finish near the top of the medal count every Olympiad. I think Destroyers fits perfectly.
Alternatively, the world would probably call them the Germany Blonde, Blue-eyed Mavens (look it up.) But to clean it up for the front of the jersey, I think the world would agree on Aryans.
Yeah, I know I only covered four countries, but really, they’re the only countries that matter in the Olympics. For funsies, we’ll throw in Norway. Obvious choice would be Vikings but I’m going to call them the Norway Girls with the Dragon Tattoo.